down in me

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

It has come to my attention that there are three cans of shaving cream still in the shower that belong to you. I have no use for them, as they make my legs smell of aftershave. Besides, after our break up I have taken up waxing. Please retrieve said cans at your earliest convenience. As you are well aware, I am not comfortable with waste. Why you ever needed three cans at once in the first place, I will never understand.

Sincerely,

Your (yes, down there too) Ex-Girlfriend

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

Was that your jeep parked across the street, in full view of my bedroom window last night? If so, please allow me to clarify that the intermittent opening and closing of the curtains was in no way a secretly encoded message on my part. I was merely attempting to repair the track.

Psychotically yours,

Your Ex-Girlfriend (compulsive, no longer obsessive)

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

I have recently begun to mull over the issue of your reluctance to engage in meaningful sexual activities of an admittedly, though very mildly, twisted nature during the course of our relationship. It is not like I ever asked for anything completely out of the ordinary, like something involving hamsters or a small weather vane. Really. Would the occasional smack on the bottom have been so out of place?

Masochistically yours,

Your Ex-Girlfriend (now in a variety of fruity flavours)