Down In Me

Imogen, dear

Dear Imogen,

If I had a tune for every time I’ve left, I’d make you an electronic keyboard with 750 pre-programmed sounds. I’d ship it across the cellophane seas on an origami boat, with a tin can at the helm and a jar of Branston Pickle. I’ve no doubt it would find it’s way to you. When it did, would you fly the melodies back, on the 747 jumbo jet in first class? It might be a long flight, but with a more comfortable seat, they can sleep for a while, for ages, if need be. Until they are ready. To breathe in the snow and rustle the trees.

With love,
 Ani

Heard tell

Random things people have said to, about, or in front of me:

[During a business trip] “Venezuela is the arse end of the world.”

[After reading a letter I wrote] “You’re starved for love.”

[With detectable pride] “My father refused to watch baseball when they started allowing black people to play.”

[On Hilary Clinton] “Even women aren’t voting for that bitch.”

[Drunk outside the pub] “I hate you fucking Americans. I’m a nice guy, really. I fucking hate you.”

[A month or two before disappearing] “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of you, support you.”

[Male colleague about female colleague] “She deserves to be violently raped.”

[Colleague, upon learning I’d been hired] “Another one?”

[Without a hint of irony] “Shopping is women’s work.”

[Stranger on the street] “You’re too pretty and young to be smoking.”

[After telling a Hitler joke] “Hahaha! Haha. Ha.” [Crickets.]

[Monumentally stupid colleague] “George Bush is a really smart man, he’s just playing to the lowest common denominator.”

[Someone I love] “I think you are as confused and bewildered as only some of us are prepared to admit.”

[My mother, upon making the shocking discovery that I have male friends] “What, like with benefits?”

[Male colleague about female colleague] “Mmmm. She’s fucking tasty.”

[Executive twat, introducing me to higher-up executive twat] “This is Ani. I’m not sure what she, uhh, does… here.”

[About a lovely man] “I wouldn’t date a white guy. Ew.”

[Genuine friend] “You’re safe now.”

Saturday, 1500 hours. Crowded double-decker, Central London.

Pardon me… Pardon me. Oh, I’m sorry. I just hit you with my bags, didn’t I?”

Yeah, watch where the fuck you’re going!”

SORRY! Ugh!”

***

Pardon me… Pardon me. Oh, I’m sorry. I just hit you with my bags, didn’t I?”

No.”

Oh. Oh, I thought I hit something…”

I said no.”

Oh. Um, alright then.”

Look, you didn’t hit me, okay.”

Oookay.”

Fine.”

Fine!”

Fine.”

***

Pardon me… Pardon me. Oh, I’m sorry. I just hit you with my bags, didn’t I?”

Ow! Yes, that hurt tremendously.”

Oh? Oh. Um, I’m really sorry.”

How sorry?”

Ummm…?”

Sorry enough to go for a coffee with me?”

Huh?”

Coffee shop. Next stop. Down the road. You can buy me one if it will make you feel better?”

Yeah… Yes. Yes, that would be lovely.”

***

Pardon me… Pardon me. Oh, I’m sorry. I just hit you with my bags, didn’t I?”

Yes, but that’s quite alright.”

Lovelies

I feel that you are cool.”

I think you are really cool, too.”

Tell me more things about me. I like when you talk about me.”

I feel like you are great and very very interesting.”

In what way am I interesting?”

In every way that matters.”

I think you are interesting, too, but I feel you are more great than anything else.”

I think it takes a great person to recognise that I am interesting.”

That is what I like about you.”

I like you, too.”

Please vomit in my mouth now.”

Okay.”

Human Conditioning

How long has it been in place?”

Three years.”

So countless times a day for three years they’ve been pressing a button to unlock and pass through an entryway that’s always been unlocked?”

Yep.”

And not one of them ever noticed?”

Nope.”

Amazing. What about the liquids project?”

That’s in two stages. They can pay for a large cup and the global branding has them utterly convinced that it is the same coffee they get from our partner corporation on every corner in the city. Most of them still opt for the free stuff, of course, even though it’s brewed from dirty dishwater and used grounds.”

But their taste buds have not been manipulated. Surely they must notice that it tastes like shit?”

They do and they complain often, but well, it’s free. The next implementation in the liquids project is free apple juice.”

Ugh. Poor bastards.”

Indeed.”

Wish You Were Here

So you’re off then?”

Yes.”

On holiday?”

Yes.”

Again?”

Yes. Why?”

Um. It’s just that I…”

What?”

Err… I’ll…”

…”

I mean… have a good time.”

Uh, thanks…?”

Yeah.”

Bit insecure, that one

You’re tired of me aren’t you?”

What?”

I can hear it in your voice. You are now bored. Of me.”

What on earth…?”

It’s okay. You don’t have to pretend to spare my feelings.”

I’m not tired, bored or sparing. I do have very little idea what you’re on about, though.”

I called you two hours ago and you didn’t pick up.”

Um, I was busy.”

Right.”

No, really.”

Fine.”

No, really!”

Never mind.”

Look! I um, I’ve got a bit of a stomach thing, okay? I was on the toilet when you rang and have been there since.”

Oh.”

Delusional

What? What is it?”

Thought I heard something…”

Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Yes, I’m sure you’re right.”

…”

Again?”

Yes, yes, I heard it distinctly that time.”

What does it sound like?”

I can’t explain. It… it’s weird.”

Um…. are you sure it’s not just appliance hum or an errant bird perhaps?”

No, no. Why do you suggest such specific things?”

Well, I don’t know. I had to suggest something.”

No, you didn’t.”

Well you weren’t being very forthcoming.”

That’s because I don’t know what it is. There it is again! You must have heard it that time?”

No, I’m sorry.”

I’m hearing things, apparently.”

I would say so.”

All Apologies

I just wanted to say how sorry I am. You know… for what happened.”

Please, don’t apologise. Really. I should be apologising to you. In fact, I am.”

No, no. Please… you have nothing to be sorry for.”

Yes, I do and I am because the entire regretful… incident… the entire incident was my fault.”

No. It wasn’t. You are not to blame. I led us to that… that place. I take responsibility and I very much need your forgiveness.”

As I said, I have nothing to forgive you for, truly. You must forgive me.”

I can’t forgive you. For you have done nothing to warrant forgiveness.”

Oh. I am still sorry, though.”

Yes, I am quite remorseful myself.”

Shit Happens

I just don’t understand how you could have.”

Well, I don’t know really. I suppose it just sort of happened.”

These things don’t ‘just sort of happen’!”

This one did.”

Exercise in Frustration (Reprise)

So here we are then.”

Yes, here we are.”

Funny, isn’t it?”

What is?”

Oh well, you know, this…”

Yes, yes, I suppose it is.”

I mean, I would have never thought…”

No?”

Well, no, I mean I suppose I had my suspicions.”

Yes, yes I suppose you did.”

I mean, didn’t you?”

Me?”

Yes?”

Well, I sure… I mean I think that I… err…”

Yes?”

Well the thing is that, the matter is really… how can I put this?”

Go on.”

It’s just that, well…”

…”

Oh, nothing really. Don’t mind me.”

Are you sure, because it feels like something’s not being said.”

Oh? Do you have something you need to say?”

Well no I errr, I meant you.”

Oh, no. Nothing worth being said. No.”

Oh well good. Me neither.”

Yes.”

Right.”

OK. Well then I suppose I’ll see you around?”

Yes, yes I suppose you will.”

Office Creep

Go away. I’m pretend-typing so you won’t approach me. Look away. Leave me alone. I’m engrossed in important work as you can plainly see. I don’t want to hear your crass attempted witty remarks on the weather, or this sad state of affairs or the weather or how tired I look or the weather again. Go away. I don’t care and you creep me out with your inquisitive gaze boring into me. Look away. I don’t want to tell you about my weekend, there’s nothing there for you to grab hold of. In your tamest dreams you never met me and you never will. Keep your shallow words and your shallower thoughts hidden away buried beneath that diseased exterior, deep and far away from me. Go away. We’re trapped in this situation by convenience, randomness, anything but desire so GO AWAY. I’m burying my nose into the monitor for your benefit so just….

Oh, fuck.

Alright, what is it then?