For people to go away you should fuck them
31st January 2010A horrible distance in the person-wide gulf suddenly between you, like he got sucked backwards in a vortex into which you cannot follow. Like one moment you’re sweet cupcakes and the next you’re days old broccoli, shriveling and yellowed by that vacant look; where just then your body was cream-glazed, sticky and warm, inviting, it is now repellent; where his hands, once feverishly intent on traveling, now rest smugly in his pockets pointing away from you, his chest pulled back, his body sidestepping you, his breath avoiding you, his toes turned out. And you say hey, remember me? the girl you just fucked?
This distance, he says, I want to put it between us right now; I don’t even want to think about our link. The invisible dotted line that connects us is a hindrance to my state and I want to put some things in the way, to cloud your line of sight—I don’t even want to think about the couch and the books and the architecture that now stand—I just want them there between us, widening the space from when I first laid eyes on you to when I didn’t. I was happy to put my dick in you just then, but now it’s different: my dick retreats, my arms retract, my everything to be away from you, to whiteout even the trace of a memory of your hole.
Listen, I’m not the marrying kind, but if you don’t leave a tip on the nightstand at least endeavor to be kind as you go.
1st February 2010 at 3:06 am
Sex is never as exciting as the idea of sex. Not having sex you imagine sex and I’ve never had any sex yet that could live up to what a good imagination can expect it to be. So, yes, I agree totally. I remember a story in the Bible, the rape of Tamar, where, once Amnon has his wicked way, the scripture says: “Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her” (2 Sam 13:15). When I first read that it had a powerful effect on me. I had never imagined that the line between love and hate was so thin. Of course, it wasn’t love, it was lust but I hadn’t learned to distinguish between the two then.
1st February 2010 at 7:14 am
See that’s kind of why I didn’t want to post this, with the He and the She in the expected roles, but fuck it, people act as expected a lot.
I don’t agree though, and this is going to sound completely snooty, but I have had amazing fucking sex. For me, it’s already proven better than imagined (and I think about sex A LOT, as you know). It’s just a matter of choosing the right partners.
Whether you fuck someone or decide to let them know you think they’re swell, you’re making yourself vulnerable - that’s why the hatred is so powerful later; it’s just an easy way to disengage and self-protect.
My problem is one of too much empathy.
1st February 2010 at 4:52 pm
Sometimes one turns up in comments planning to say something, only to feel like you’re interrupting. :)
What’s a ‘nightstand’, for heaven’s sake?
1st February 2010 at 5:14 pm
AUW, it’s the little table next to the bed.
At least, I, uh, think so.
ALSO I’m glad you posted this Ani. Very glad. It resonates with me at the moment (not so much the sex part, but I feel like sex is applicable to all sorts of spheres of life).
2nd February 2010 at 10:25 pm
AUW: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nightstand
Emma: Sex is the life force but don’t overestimate its importance and you’ll be alright. Also, stay away from the bible.
2nd February 2010 at 10:40 pm
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wikipedia. They were the ones who said the Earth was round. They’re bound to be wrong about nightstands. Er, I mean, bedside tables.
4th February 2010 at 11:10 am
“endeavor to be kind” is nice.
4th February 2010 at 11:09 pm
AUW: Toe-may-toe.
Tom: Really? I almost cut the last sentence because it felt too much like a punchline.
5th February 2010 at 3:30 pm
Brilliant. I related to this piece. For God’s sake, men need to be men in regard to women.
19th March 2010 at 3:52 am
This summer I invented the phrase: “The best way to burn a bridge is to carry a torch”.