Dear Sometime Reader
12th August 2009Hi,
I have been going through a thing. But my god I miss you. I think about everything we don’t share and I feel crazy happy. Or neutral. I am remiss. It is easy to back and forth all day with nothing to show for it at night. I wanted to tell you that True Blood made me homesick. I recall my hatred and it feels like love of a sort. Always was an escape artist.
I meant to do these things more: travel, write, write, travel, blow bubbles. I did the last one again yesterday (thank-you Jereme). I go through cycles where I forget to play, to be a kid, to masturbate with a strange hand; skip to my own lou. I don’t know what a lou is, but I think I need one. A man sat to my right and sang a song. I loved him more in fifteen seconds than I’ve loved myself in twenty-nine years. I’m thirty-one.
Thing is, I don’t remember which arc of the circle I’m on, I just continue, round and round. I fear the judgement often gets to me and gets me to stop what I want. Even where I felt most free. I now feel like wasting time, like losing fights, but not hopeless. After all that looking over my shoulder and freaking out I’m just calm or numb, something uninspiring. Like the quiet after a hurricane: fresh and battered. Ramshackle torn. Salty. Immobile. This isn’t justification, though. Just a thing to go through. Like everything.
I must wrap up for now. I must tend to more mundanity.
Love,
Ani
12th August 2009 at 10:47 pm
hang in there chickadee…..i’ve been there, go there, come back from there and you will too..
xoxoxo
12th August 2009 at 10:59 pm
ani, i love you and i never even sat next to you.
(let’s swap eyes for a while and exchange fingers, that would stir things up a bit.)
13th August 2009 at 2:52 am
I went through a thing once. I didn’t like it. I don’t think many people do. It’s why you never hear about anyone saying they went though a thing twice, I guess.
13th August 2009 at 12:54 pm
wow, i know that feeling, at least i think i do, of futility and dissatisfaction.. everytime i’m really about to give up on life tho someone makes me smile and i think i can’t, not just yet, there’s still laughs to be had.. its the dark, but without it we wouldn’t know what to call light, so play hide-and-seek in the dark till the lights come back on, its more fun that way =)
13th August 2009 at 4:41 pm
hi
14th August 2009 at 1:39 am
Go easy on yourself if this thing takes a while to pass. The phrase “I loved him more in fifteen seconds than I’ve loved myself in twenty-nine years” made me go ouch in sympathy — and recognition.
16th August 2009 at 8:25 pm
Back!
Back!!!
BACK!!!!
I was down to my last fingernail.
16th August 2009 at 11:37 pm
xTx: I know, and you do it with such style, too. (thank you)
Isabelle: I love you, too, and I’d bet shit looks crazy beautiful through your eyes.
Jim: Yeah, I like to go through a thing every once in a while, though. That’s kind of my thing.
Loopholes: Thank you for the nice, positive comment, Loopy. May I call you Loopy?
Ryan: Hola.
Columbo: ‘Go easy on yourself’ - If only! Thanks for the camaraderie, though.
AUW: Phew.
17th August 2009 at 9:56 pm
thanks for your comment, and nicely written
20th August 2009 at 12:20 pm
It’s lines like this that will keep me reading you - ‘I loved him more in fifteen seconds than I’ve loved myself in twenty-nine years. I’m thirty-one.’
I saw a boy on the railway crossing the other day, he was dressed in punky style clothes, and was beautiful, but I realised that in normal clothes he would be unexceptional, if not a bit ugly. I wanted to tell him that, but of course I didn’t. No relation to anything you wrote, I just wanted to share it.