The Americans
31st October 2008The Americans brushed their teeth and went to bed. The Americans had bad dreams for 75% of the night. The Americans had wet dreams for the remaining 25% of the night. The Americans took a really stinky shit in the morning before breakfast. The Americans learned from the news that the Americans had attacked Syria. The Americans weren’t sure why the Americans had done that. The Americans poured themselves a bowl of Cheerios with skimmed milk. The Americans pulled up their drawstring pajama pants. The Americans thought about past mistakes the Americans have made. The Americans felt like cheap imitations. The Americans showered and masturbated to release some tension. The Americans left the house under the pretense of being fully functional. The Americans lived up to the Americans’ reputation abroad by speaking of the Americans’ bodily functions. The Americans felt hopeless and bored. The Americans wondered how long they can keep this up. The Americans were tired of hearing about themselves. The Americans were filled with dread.
31st October 2008 at 5:50 pm
I love this, Ani. It could suit the Greeks, the Italians, the Russians, the Afghans too. Just a few modifications needed – but the meaning would be intact. People, as an entity, is/are obscene. That’s why I still think individualism can be a passable escape :/
31st October 2008 at 6:03 pm
Yeah, they’re weird, those Americans.
31st October 2008 at 8:58 pm
I tried reading this replacing ‘the Americans’ with ‘the Welsh’. It didn’t work nearly so well. There were no sheep mentioned in it, for one thing.
(What? What did I say? Can’t I do a harmless bit of regionalist stereotyping now and then? Pah.)
31st October 2008 at 9:25 pm
Uh, citizensheep. Always a problem.
31st October 2008 at 9:42 pm
what an attack on the hollowness of our selfish dreams of existence.
beautiful
1st November 2008 at 12:50 am
I was just thinking about this today and all those capital letters caught my attention. Why are you called americans when most of the people on the Continent of America are not citizens of the United States?
1st November 2008 at 8:22 am
I feel out of my league.
And to Paul. Fault of language. The Spanish have a special word for us (estadounidense) but even it is not used consistently because it’s not as easy to pronounce (as americano/a).
I used to worry about what to call myself b/c of the offense expressed by some latin neighbour friends. But then other latin friends (Mexicans) complained about my careful wording (I’m from the United States) because, they said we are not the only United States (los estados unidos de mexico por ejemplo). And I became annoyed with the over-sensitivity and realised I would never win.
I’m still, probably more so, out of my league.
1st November 2008 at 9:58 am
Lore: People as an entity, yes. Eso es, exactamente. Tu siempre me comprendes. :)
Z: Yeah, they think they’re so special and unique, don’t they.
AUW: The Americans think the English should perhaps leave the poor Welsh and their sheep alone already.
(I’ve just made it worse, huh?)
Lore: *giggle*
Rembrandt: Hello and welcome, and thank you for your kind remark. Please stay and call me beautiful some more; I have low self-esteem, but I am quite good fun.
Paul: Thanks for illustrating one of the main feelings behind this piece: how can an individual excuse or justify the acts or history of an entire nation?
In earnest response to your question (assuming it wasn’t rhetorical) as Clarissa stated, I’m afraid it’s nothing so sinister or exciting as imperialistic tendencies or cultural aggression. My guess is it’s probably due to the full name of the country being the United States of America since the late 1700s, and Americans being easier to say than, for example, United Statesians.
Clarissa: You’re not out of your league, on the contrary, you’re sensitive and thoughtful and you’ve been on the outside long enough to see it for what it is. That’s a good combination.
I worked with a group of writers and one of the main points of contention was always ‘what to call things’. Discussions could get really ugly, really fast. We had a name for it: title rage.
It’s pervasive. Just ask the BBC presenter that inspired this piece by repeating ‘The Americans have attacked Syria’ twenty-two hundred times in the course of one newscast.
In this case, however, what I find most intriguing is the use of the definite article.
1st November 2008 at 12:45 pm
I still call America by its original title of ‘The British Annexe’.
Shall I hide now?
2nd November 2008 at 9:33 am
AUW: I’m so going to dump your PG Tips in the Thames.
3rd November 2008 at 1:11 am
patriotism is the guise of evil men.
america is not the sole country to implement the tactic.
to be honest, any large country with the resources/power will impose itself on the world. technology has sped the process.
if there is a beginning, there is an end.
pay attention to history.
i like the part about the 25% wet dreams.
3rd November 2008 at 1:26 pm
Good one - the repetition of the title phrase became quite unnerving. It reminded me a bit of how you will always hear an american voice standing out above the voices of other nationalities! I especially liked this line - ‘The Americans left the house under the pretense of being fully functional.’. I wonder if anyone will have the nerve to tell them!
4th November 2008 at 9:43 am
Jereme: The Americans are young and idealistic. The Americans will learn that things aren’t black and white. The Americans will have nights of 100% wet dreams. I hope the Americans don’t have a temper tantrum today.
Jem: Thanks, Jem. I don’t think anyone will tell the Americans, no. Mainly because few will notice. The Americans are quite adept at pretense.
5th November 2008 at 3:48 pm
Love this piece Ani.
Feels odd reading it today for the first time, now the tension is over.
The phrase “Remember remember the 5th of November” has a new positive addition to it’s meaning from today.
By the way, I like the “PG Tips in the Thames” response… made me laugh! ;D