Unwelcome guest
27th October 2008“Hey, baby. What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?”
“What? What are you talking about, this is my fucking bathroom.”
“Damn, baby, kiss your mother with that mouth?” he hissed and scuttled closer, all eight legs padding weightlessly across the tiles.
“The question is what you are doing here in my bathroom.”
“Alright, alright, straight up: I got into some trouble outside your window there with some nasty wasps that got caught in my web - not caught enough, course - and I’m just lying low for a bit ‘til I can go back out again. Ain’t that some shit? What? You don’t mind, do you? Come on girl, have a heart.”
“Whatever.”
“Damn you pretty! Tough, too.”
“Alright can I just pee now, please? Is that alright with you, Mr. Gangsta Spider?”
“Yeah, baby, of course. Shit. I ain’t never stand in the way of no girl peein’ and shit. That’s some nasty shit.”
“Okay, be quiet then.”
“Right, sorry … hey, you wouldn’t have some dead flies or something lying around? I’m fuckin’ starving, yo …”
“What do I look like?! Please, can I just fucking pee? That’s all I want to do! Just fucking pee. Then I’ll get out of the bathroom and you can do whatever you want. Just don’t come to my room.”
“Alright, alright baby, it’s all good. I’ll just hang back here, by your dirty clothes. Oof, what do we have here …”
“Get away from my panties!”
“Aw, come on girl, can’t I just chill here? They are so soft and warm and moist and—”
“Ew!” she squealed, snatching her panties away and sending the spider flying into the bathtub.
“Goddamn bitch!”
“WHAT did you call me?!”
“God … damn … ditch … I almost fell into the hole … whatchoo call them things? The drain, that’s what I meant.”
“Right.”
“So about them flies …”
27th October 2008 at 4:17 pm
Tee hee hee hee hee. :)
27th October 2008 at 7:00 pm
Gangsta Spider. He must be a relative of Anansi’s!
27th October 2008 at 7:04 pm
See, I’d have thrown him into the toilet and peed on him, and then there’d’ve been NOBODY laughing.
27th October 2008 at 8:59 pm
I prefer the panda. *swoons*
28th October 2008 at 8:10 am
ani,
you made me smile with the line ‘i’m fucking starving, yo”
this post reminded me of this video:
here
28th October 2008 at 12:19 pm
Jack: Thank you, that is very much the response I was looking for.
Cheerful One: Aren’t all spiders related?
Z: NOW you tell me … ;)
Clarissa: Me too, so cute! *squeal*
Jereme: Why just that line? I had rather hoped you’d smile throughout the whole thing.
28th October 2008 at 7:55 pm
Talking pandas one minute, talking spiders the next. O … wait for it … K.
It would work better if you could keep it to just the dialogue. The narrator intrudes. With a little care you could ditch him completely.
So, what’s it tomorrow? Eve and the snake? And, no, that is not a writing prompt.
28th October 2008 at 9:23 pm
Ani, back to bears, please. Insects worsen my condition.
29th October 2008 at 8:35 am
ani,
heh, it was too close to home. i’ve been that spider before. i laugh at wierd moments. i am weird.
i don’t understand why this would work better without the narrator. it is your story, not ours.
29th October 2008 at 10:31 am
Jim: Aw, Jim, don’t you enjoy talking animals? if you don’t then you’re in a for a long winter at Down In Me … (Just kidding, I’ve got it out of my system now. Maybe.)
I think the reason the narrator feels out of place is that I had indeed originally planned it as dialogue only, but then realised I needed a couple of actions that couldn’t be dialogue (walking, snatching), but I didn’t need any more narrating than that. So the amount of dialogue isn’t less than or equal to the amount of narration, as I guess is usually the case. I don’t know if I mind that so much, but it was good to think about.
Lore: I had hoped giving the spider a voice would improve my own condition. I am still scared of taking a shower though, so I don’t think it worked.
Jereme: Not weird at all. I was just curious because that specific line happens to be a kind of tribute to my younger brother. It is his favourite line. :)
29th October 2008 at 8:28 pm
hi ani. i like your story.
sometimes when i see an insect or arachnid in my house, i stare at it and try to make it disappear, but it usually doesn’t work.
31st October 2008 at 4:03 pm
Hi, Alicia - squealing like a girl and hopping around in a mild panic while keeping your eyes glued to the intruder doesn’t seem to work either, but it does seem to release a little built up tension so you should give it a go.