down in me

with cock in satin and a letter to an ex-boyfriend that will never be posted I am all these lonely stalkers at night and we are all just lonely lovers who can’t love each other oh god oh god so sad so sad you should fuck me

Just you know
pretty hard like

Touch me, touch me, touch me
please touch me
there and there and there
don’t stop
okay stop

Again
slower
slowly
no, no
yes, yes
NO
Okay, yes
Yes
Yes

Please don’t let me
disappear

with your fingers
crushed between
the folds of my labia
my body exists
on this mortal plane

Without prodding
I am thoughts
disembodied words
and much of nothing

Go away
I have a headache
from stunted creativity
and emotional
overindulgence
and cooler stuff besides

Do you still love me?

Did you know? The warmth of her colours I taste, in each of her savoury adjectives, when alone with the picture of her hair, tangled in the breeze. Her  s p a c i o u s  caprices, near perfection to my hungry eyes. And, she too, delights in the calming qualities of repetition.

Nameless, faceless stranger for shameless groping/necking session in velvet-upholstered corner of darkly lit bar. Unattractive male preferred; age and marital status unimportant. Will also consider large bull dyke.

Sensitive type with puppy dog eyes for exchange of awkward glances across cubicles and heart-poundingly quiet moments at the photocopier. No experience necessary. Muteness a plus.

I read something about agent orange and I just couldn’t care, I couldn’t care less. I walked down the street and saw the birds chirping in the trees by the rows of houses, but I just couldn’t hear them. I just can’t hear a birdsong, sing bird for me and swell my heart. Mommy, what’s a heart?

And inside these houses (three families a piece) there sit glorious baby grand pianos never to be played, and dried pasta in glass cylinders on kitchen counters never to be cooked al dente. And the birds sing and the kids laugh and the men cry and I don’t hear them. I can’t hear a thing mainly for my drowning out voice.

When I arrived at the bus stop on the corner I heard the roar of the bus, but I just couldn’t get on, I just couldn’t. I made to take that step, but the soles of my shoes had become one with the pavement. Well what do I do now? I’m stuck here, I thought. Stuck to the ground, what a predicament. I plopped down on the bus bench behind me without moving my feet. Not a bad place to get stuck, I guess, as getting stuck goes, I thought, at this awkward angle. And then I sat and thought some more.

People came and went and stole glances at my immovable presence every time I failed to board an oncoming bus. Sometimes the cars got stuck at stoplights and looking straight ahead everything was empty and I dozed comfortably with my back against the glass shelter until the next group of bus passengers arrived to stand and look sullen and impatient and wait.

I was getting hungry and it was getting darker. Someone left a half-eaten bag of chips and a thimble-full of beer in a can on the seat next to me just in time for supper. I supped eagerly, marvelling at how life always provides for the sickliest of her sticky-sweet children.

I saw the Queen Mother at the post office this morning. The Queen Mother hobbled in, dragging a large umbrella and recklessly pulling a plaid trolley behind her. The Queen Mother and I made eye contact and I immediately sensed I shouldn’t have done; perhaps I should have bowed my head or curtsied or something. But the Queen Mother took my irreverence in her stride and, sidling up to me, she casually complained about the weather. As she did, the Queen Mother attempted to ruffle up the white tufts of candy floss hair behind her ears and on top of her wrinkly forehead. The Queen Mother must not have had much business at the post office because though I was ahead of her in the queue, she quickly caught up to me as I headed toward the exit. The Queen Mother asked me if her slip was showing and whether I would take the lift to the ground floor with her; a monarch should never ride the lift alone. The Queen Mother told me she very much likes black people because, unlike her own people, black people indulge her in friendly banter once in a while. And here I thought the Queen Mother loved all her subjects equally.

We navigate through the wild life in each other’s gardens, like a symphony that’s missing certain, essential instruments. We touch a wild flower here and dodge an ornery bee there, but we don’t get the aerial view, nor do we show it. Where once there was green grass, now sits a hardened slab of concrete, entrenched. Some nooks in the garden shine with glorious brightness, while others are drenched in shadow. In some well fertilised patches, all kinds of strange flora grow; others are barren or worse. But we won’t talk about those. Not now. Not yet.

Because you have, your own means, your own way, all your own. I don’t know you or I do to some extent or no extent, but I appreciate you, wholly and without reservation, for one reason or another or a combination thereof.

Ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly.