I am tiresome to myself
I haven’t been true to the self-imposed vacuum credo I spouted. I’m guilty. I’ve worried too much about words, pretty words, correctly-placed words, ordered words, meaningful words, thoughtful words, words brimming with emotion from the depths of my beautiful soul oh god somebody please hear me! feel me! save me! fuck me, jesus!
Bullshit.
From now on it’s cocksucking, fucking, sick cunting, rage, and armoured skies and jelly beans or maybe no words because none of this shit matters.
And in the same breath pretty words and prettier words and even more of the prettiest words fucking ever. And I’m going to relax my anal cavity. A bit.
And make paragraphs of varying lengths and strengths.
Or.
You know.
Not.
Because I’ve been reading your mental breakdowns, and your pleas for attention, your sorrowful realisations, and your shameless self-promotion, and your ticking clocks, and your ticking bombs and your fucking rhymes and your misplaced lines and shit that scans and shit that doesn’t, and shit that heals and shit that breaks, the shit you steal, the shit you barter, the ‘you’ you trade, the lies I buy, the lies that I make and take and fake and fuck fuck and fuck and fuck and.
And I’m tired now. I don’t want to speak your language now. I never wanted to speak. But maybe I will now. If I can voice the sound of my stand. For a time.
8 April 2008 at 7:39 pm
You are so cool. Fucking cool.
9 April 2008 at 12:56 pm
So nice and yet, not.
Your a bit of everything Ani, but somehow not diluted one bit. Full strength. Nothing by halves.
9 April 2008 at 7:05 pm
Never stop speaking. Never.
10 April 2008 at 9:43 am
Clarissa: Thanks, Clarissa! I am now blushing. I hope that doesn’t lower my cool factor.
Camille: Thanks to you, too, Camille. I think I can only be that way in writing, so I’m glad you picked up on it.
AUW: Never ever? You might come to regret that encouragement. ;)
11 April 2008 at 5:51 pm
I like Ani, so I don’t enjoy reading Ani being put down, even by herself. I think you know that you’re not really remotely as bad as you sometimes make out.
Or at least, have you ever tried putting yourself down nicely and gently?
11 April 2008 at 6:02 pm
You too? It’s this damn misanthropic need to share. I wish it was less complicated, and less self-judgmental.
11 April 2008 at 7:54 pm
Drodbar - Don’t worry, old chap. I have advised Ani not to put herself down (as in criticise herself, not inject lethal drugs to remove herself from the planet, as vets do to favourite old pets). In fact, in a new service available to the world of bloggery in general, I will come to someone’s personal website and put them down for a small fee. Please address all direct debits to my bank account, for the modest sum of £37.00 a month.
11 April 2008 at 8:08 pm
Drodbar: Aw. But putting Ani down is what Ani does best, Neil. ;)
Z: Or at least less complicated. I mean, let’s be realistic here.
AUW: How dare you mention v-e-t-s, after what happened to dear old Mr Peepers?! *cries*
15 April 2008 at 9:55 pm
The ‘you’ you trade. Nice.
Ani, I need to add your blog to my blogroll, and I need you to pick a country to do so. Please?