Ex-Boyfriend Letters #12
Dear Ex-Boyfriend,
I am writing to respectfully request that you refrain from forwarding junk email to me. I’m touched by your concern, but I assure you that I’m well-versed in the health benefits of water versus Coke. Frankly, this particular email has been making the rounds since 1997 and if you’re getting your health information from forwarded emails of this sort, well, it seems there’s something rather more fundamental amiss.
Also, would you please stop googling Ani+[insert questionable keyword here]? It’s starting to freak me out slightly.
Yours,
Your (digitally vigilant) Ex-Girlfriend
28 January 2008 at 8:57 pm
Damn, I suppose you want me to stop forwarding my spam to you too, don’t you? It’s just that I thought it might be fun if we both got bigger d*Cks or gigantic p**** to thrill the l*dys together we might have More F*n!
28 January 2008 at 9:14 pm
Greetings to your fine person. My name is Witness Of The Unreliable, and I am writing to you on the most urgent matter of a necessity to depositate the sum of $60,000,000 in a bank account just because I feel like it. Please send me forthwith and immediate and now your account bank account details and I will forward the cash as a priority of urgency and prioritiness.
Felicitations and may God be praised,
Witness Unreliably (Mr)
29 January 2008 at 4:31 am
Please forward this comment to ten people within the next 30 minutes, or you will be doomed to a lifetime of horrible sex. THIS IS NOT A TRICK! A 23-year-old woman in Bimidgie, Minn., USA mistakenly filtered this message to her spam folder, thinking it was mere harassment from her ex-boyfriend, only to be cursed with celibacy until forever! (Of course, it could have something to do with the fact that she lived in Bimidgie, Minn., and I’m not sure how one would get laid at all there, but …. you get the point.)
29 January 2008 at 9:47 pm
Z: I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been unnaturally worried about the size of my p3n1s. I want to thrill the ladies and have fun, too, dammit.
AUW: That is eerily good. I would apply for freelance contracts with the spam companies immediately. No doubt they are looking for writers with skill and talent such as yours. Just don’t let them pay you via wire transfers.
Marcelle: Horrible sex! EEK! Okay, I’ll forward it to 30 of my most unsuspecting internet friends post haste. You know, just in case.
I feel almost completely certain that between the four of us we have covered every spam plight known to modern man. Now, I realise spam is old news, but then, why do otherwise intelligent people continue to pass these things on?! And why do certain companies still appear to think this is an acceptable form of marketing?!
29 January 2008 at 9:57 pm
Who cares about spam?
But, “digitally vigilant intrigues me immensely.
Childishly yours,
A Curious Goth
30 January 2008 at 3:14 pm
this has been my favorite one so far. but, then again, i think that every time. xx
30 January 2008 at 4:56 pm
Spanish Goth: You are an adorable goth, too.
Imogen: Thank you. :)