Ex-Boyfriend Letters #9
Dear Ex-Boyfriend,
I sincerely apologise for not replying to your urgent missives sooner. Unfortunately for you, you are no longer the centre of my galaxy.
Now, in response to your indecorous request, the answer is most assuredly a resounding no. I certainly will not ‘get into the spirit of the season for a hand job’ as you so festively described. You should have considered that before gifting me a blender in 2003.
Forbiddingly yours,
Your (uncharacteristically seasonal) Ex-Girlfriend
18 December 2007 at 5:29 pm
Just a tip to your ex-boyfriend: hand jobs and blenders do not a good combination make.
And can, in fact, be very messy indeed.
That is all.
18 December 2007 at 6:03 pm
I’m strangely turned on by the image of you saying no to handjobs, forbiddingly, standing beside the blender (and possibly twiddling with the switch).
18 December 2007 at 6:08 pm
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
18 December 2007 at 10:20 pm
Festively described indeed.
18 December 2007 at 10:45 pm
I had an ex-boyfriend who didn’t quite get that being broken up meant I didn’t need to consider his schedule anymore. He wanted to meet up to return some stuff I’d left at his place, and when I said I wasn’t available that night because I was going to the movies with my friend David (who I had been friends with for many years), the ex, extremely miffed, said, “Well, I can see where your priorities are.”
But seriously, a hand job? Doesn’t your ex have hands of his own for stuff like that?
19 December 2007 at 9:47 am
my ex boyfriend never bought me anything.
19 December 2007 at 10:56 am
AUW: Ahem. Yes, he was never very good with the kitchen appliances, it must be said.
Z: Unfortunately, it would be impossible for me to say no to you. Unless you commanded me to, of course.
2ndhandsoul: I applaud your seasonal cheer. It’s political correctness gone mad I tell you.
Marc: Hello and welcome, Marc. :)
Jess: Hi! The very nerve, can you imagine? The ex is just not very good with his hands. Um. Oh dear.
Andre: Heheh. That bastard! I would buy you the world, I would…
19 December 2007 at 12:50 pm
Hmmm. From him, maybe a blender was the best possible option. Just think what you might have received had he tried to be creative. Shudder.
19 December 2007 at 1:24 pm
I don’t know…
When I think kitchenwares automatically, I think of Stepford penis.
Did you suggest putting his hand job wanting member into the blender?
Ho, ho, ho.
19 December 2007 at 5:46 pm
right now I would quite like someone to buy me a bobble hat…
19 December 2007 at 7:21 pm
Stepford penis.
hand jobs.
wanting members.
bobble hats.
Classy place you’ve got here.
*gets coat and runs for life*
19 December 2007 at 8:48 pm
Bohémienne: Sadly, I think the blender was him being creative.
Persico: I love it when you talk violence and make it rhyme!
Andre: Done! Not that I think you need one, mind you.
AUW: You are drinking cider and wearing reindeer antlers, aren’t you?
22 December 2007 at 5:54 pm
If your ex-boyfriend were a baboon, he’d go and find a baby wart hog to suck him off. You wouldn’t be pestered and as for the baby wart hog - well, it’s better than getting eaten by a lion.
23 December 2007 at 1:37 pm
I will never look at a baby wart hog the same way again…
23 December 2007 at 10:02 pm
x’s suck, only ONE in scrabble…. thank god