down in me

Come, come with me, I promise you it will be fun. Come play with me and you’ll have the best time and twenty years from now you’ll still be sitting around reminiscing about what a great time that was, the time that Ani Smith invited you to go out with her and you were reluctant at first and, oh god, was that a big mistake because you hadn’t the faintest idea what a wild ride you were in for and how the next day, after watching the sun come up, because that’s what Ani always does after amazing nights, you thought to yourself, wow, am I ever glad I decided to ignore my inhibitions and just follow Ani blindly off the cliff because I know as I sit here holding her hand right now in this moment that if I live to be the age of sea turtles, no matter what happens or who I meet in all those years, I will never ever regret the decision I made which led to this small but terribly significant moment in my terribly insipid existence. Or you know, you can sit there eating Cheerios and watching bullshit American sitcoms in your underpants, pretending to laugh while milk slips from the corner of your mouth, thinking nothing, being nothing, acting nothing, talking nothing, blank blank blank. I won’t be upset, I promise you, whatever you choose in this moment, I am going to

I am going to. I am going to what? I sat here for ten minutes thinking of a suitable way to finish that sentence. I’m going to what? What am I going to do? I wracked my brain but my initial excitement had waned rather quickly. I got up and went for a walk and thought.

I can’t make statements of action. I can’t even write them and pretend it’s fiction. This character, Ani Smith, she tries you know, sometimes. People even believe her, you know. Sometimes. But I’m dragging her down, I’m holding her still, we’re chained together in a cheesy comedy where someone lost the key.

It’s like the most dissatisfying orgasm which begins so promisingly with the right tickles and tingles moistening all the right places and you’re thinking to yourself yes, yes, here comes the big one, but then it kind of half-assed bucks and fizzles and you’re left all, is that it? And so you try for another because come on, there’s gotta be some more in there, but now you’re ashamed for being so greedy and nothing comes, no one comes. No one comes.