Attention-seeking whores in outer space!

This is ground control to Major Smith. Major Smith, can you hear me, Major Smith?

“Yes, yes I’m reading you loud and clear. Over.”

“No, no. That’s not how the story goes. You can’t hear them and they can’t hear you.”

“Oh. Oh right. But, I need them to hear me. I need to tell them about all this, you know? Everything I’ve discovered. It’s important.”

“No, it’s okay, really. You can stay with us up here. You don’t need them anymore.”

“No, you don’t understand. I’m on a crucially vital mission. The fate of my planet and my entire race rests squarely on my shoulders. I have to report my findings at once.”

“The fate of your entire race? You do realise we can read your thoughts, yes?”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Okay, maybe the whole fate of the planet doesn’t rest entirely on my shoulders, but it is very important that I report back nonetheless.”

“Yes. Yes I can see you actually believe that to be the case.”

“I do.”

“Very well. We’ll give you one chance to report back. Take a look out the window.”

“Oh my god… It’s full of stars!”

“Christ. She fancies herself some sort of Dave Bowman.”

“You’re not going to turn me into a weird star baby, are you? I don’t think I’d look good in that.”

“No, no, of course not. Anyway, come along dear. We have much greater things in store for you. For now, I’ll show you to your living quarters.”

“But wait, what about my report?”

“That was it. We gave you a chance and all you said was that it was full of stars. Not our problem.”

“Oh. Okay then. So ummm, do you boys have a queen or something up here?”

“Don’t even think about it.”

“I’m a kind and generous ruler, you know… okay, princess, I’ll settle for princess but nothing less… duchesses are so frumpy…”