Drudgery to mask
I’m a blank. If you came round right now and told me to jump off the proverbial cliff after you, I would. Not because I’m that stupid (though I might be) but because I’m that bored.
It’s not that I don’t have current problems, residual issues, deep-seated fears, false hopes, a million things that require attention. On the contrary, it’s all so much that I default to the basic stance of boredom. I can’t muster enough thought to think, emotion to feel, power to con, drama to overreact. Things flow over me almost without notice. You could:
Rape my body tomorrow
Take all of my belongings tonight
Beat the shit out of my face in the morning
Sing my sorrows clear to me in the afternoon
Knife me half to death in the dead of night
None of it would matter. Much. I’d barely flinch but I’d appreciate the gesture wholeheartedly because I’m that bored. Blank. Almost blank enough to stop writing. But blankness itself can be fodder for an empty piece on the hopelessness of existence and the dangers of self-destructive habits.
The moment you become aware that you are blank is itself a split second of non-blank sensation. So maybe I’ll fight you, if I can find the fight somewhere behind the boredom. Right now, it doesn’t look likely. But I reserve the right to pull it out later. In spades.
17 October 2007 at 5:18 pm
You’re reading my mind again, aren’t you?
“But blankness itself can be fodder for an empty piece on the hopelessness of existence and the dangers of self-destructive habits.”
Not that this piece was empty. But I will certainly take away this very salient piece of advice.
17 October 2007 at 7:57 pm
When i’m on the edge of this, when i feel the blank of boredom and loneliness,
I see my friends and enemies below me, gotta think they have come to show me,
that it all comes down to this…close my eyes and lean over the precipice,
and jump, with grace.
18 October 2007 at 1:17 pm
AUW: Yes, I can read minds, it is a very good skill to have. Let’s see… right now you are thinking… oooh! You naughty boy!
Citizent: Close my eyes and jump? Despite appearances around here, I am not suicidal. Yet. ;)
18 October 2007 at 9:56 pm
Sometimes, in the midst of drama, I long for blank. But of course, when I’m there… I do anything to pull myself out of it.
19 October 2007 at 5:23 pm
Bohémienne: I do that, too. I’m always wanting more or the opposite of what I currently have. Never satisfied.